‘I Refuse to be a Widow!’

Hemashri suffered the sad demise of her husband to Cancer. She challenges the societal taboos (read traditions) and stands tall. We have updated and republished her Facebook post, in Different Truths.

I hate this archaic word, ‘widow’!

In fact, I feared this word for I grew up seeing one in the form of a beautiful woman, my Aita (Grandmother)!

Since childhood, I saw this exceptionally beautiful, smart, graceful woman wearing white. She had a strange kind of pessimism. As a child, I thought if she had died instead of my Koka (Grandfather), I would have had a few more Mahis and Mamas (uncles and aunts). Alas! It was Koka who died when she was just 34-year-old. I had anger towards the family elders as to why at least they did not allow her to wear colourful clothes!

Poor me, I knew many things about her but never asked her what her favourite colour was. Maybe she made white her favourite. Then I consoled saying to myself those were tough times perhaps to defy such mediaeval code of widowhood. My Aita died at 94 years and she walked her path all alone for 60 years. I heard her always praying to God to take her near Him. That was enough for me to sense what life meant for her.

A strong woman, she was to raise three daughters and give them proper education and marry them off (women never marry they are married off). All her daughters were groomed up to be their husband’s dutiful wives! None of them had their own identity or voice, or so I thought. Thus, I always aspired to be a woman with my own identity and of course with a voice of my own (that means I must be intimidatingly opinionated).

However, I take legitimate pride that I am not their version, but I don’t know how strong a woman I could become.

Widow is a scary word that I feel needs to be deleted from dictionary. It should be renamed as a ‘single woman’. But it was waiting for me. Since the word still exists, so no matter what I feel, I am one now!

Perhaps all over the world this word connotes an unfortunate, vulnerable woman who lost her soulmate, life partner or protector. Net search shows books like manual for healing of a widow. Yes, it is perhaps the most traumatic experience, which causes an intense indescribable pain.

Even at such a tragic moment of life, a husbandless wife must digest silly condolences in manners when she feels why Sati was banned in this country, or do we need to write, ‘What Not to Say to a Grieving Wife’. In fact, I felt provoked to do both – launch an agitation to bring back Sati and write a book, too.

It was your fate – ‘tumar bhagyot asil’ – as if she is a bad omen and her fate caused the death.

‘Lora suwali keitaar karone jiai thakibo lagibo’ – now, you must live for the kids – so a widow has no life but what is her fault? Why shall she not have her own life? Well, here am I, a rebel, despite of the fact that I loved my husband.

‘Strong hua aru nije juddha kora’ – you must be strong. Hello, have you ever seen cancer? I have battled cancer of my dear ones and have seen a healthy man getting reduced to a skeleton and then die in my hands. I am strong enough to sustain my sanity. So, excuse me; please don’t impose any stereotypes upon me. I don’t have to prove to anyone who am I.

Move forward with your memory – ‘Purana memory khini loi jiai thakiba’. Hello, who told you I need not create good memory till my last breath. Go to hell, my dear consoler!

He will guide you invisibly – ‘teu tumak aguai nibo’. Yes, I also believe but when I have to take over everything from finance to insurance and learn everything within a few days, including making innumerable rounds to offices to get my dues, only I know how many guides for every sphere I needed, then.

Don’t worry we are with you – ‘eku sinta nokoriba ami asu’ – thanks to Corona and lockdown, majority of this category of species are out of sight, out of mind kind. Everyone has their lives and actually no one can support anyone outside his/ her own family. It is a harsh truth.

Embrace spiritualism. Go to either Prajapita Brahmakumaris or Art of Living and give up nonvegetarian food. Now, you must live a different life. Renounce a material life said the self-proclaimed wise soul. One well-wisher took me to a senior ‘man’ (will not use the word gentleman). He told me, “Go to an Ashram when the kids grow up and devote to Godly duties.” He had himself endured cancer of two of his family members and I was convinced to visit with the well-wisher, so my expectation was a motivational speech. My well-wisher seconded his advice, but I was wondering will he do what he suggested to me if he were in my place. Oh! He is a man, not a woman. Anyway, this idea is very much in my zone of consideration ‘an Ashram’. When I say ‘Ashram’ I don’t mean Osho’s ‘Ashram’.

Oh! So early in life you lost everything – ‘iss raam ei boyosote enekua hol bor beya laage’.  Dear everyone has to live one’s own destiny and excuse me I don’t need your pity.

Finally, everything is Karmic – ‘Karmofol bujisa ei jonomot noholeu purbo jonmor’.

Dear friend, I also do not know that but am trying to understand. All I know is pain purifies the soul!

So, what stops this widow to lead her own life in her own terms? Basically, it is our own mental conditioning that society expects us to abide by some unwritten code. No such code is there and even if it exists then it is the sacred duty of the qualified and the well-settled women to smash and rewrite it.

I refuse to be a widow. I am a single parent and yes after seeing the dangerous disease called cancer, I am a saner soul, too. After my countless visits to hospitals, I now value life as super precious and I appreciate what a blessing health is!

My quest for a zestful life continues. Loneliness is painful. Beautiful memories of past haunts. At times, these create a depilating effect. Only time will say how different my ‘widowhood’ shall be from that of my grandmother!

I am a free soul, and I will live my life. Thanks to all for your unsolicited, spirit dampening advices. Very few of you told me, “You have not done anything wrong and you have got to live your life to the fullest, zestfully.”

It is not easy after seeing a painful death of a dear one and be happy again, but it is always worth trying!

It is sheer stupidity to expect or to ask society to change. Perhaps even laws cannot change the mindset.

All changes must start at an individual level. It starts when we refuse to take trash and do what we intend to do in life or with life!

Hope God will guide!

Friends, it is not silent unanimity but vocal solidarity that can help us to change the mindset and the pathetic present plight.

Tagged a few similarly situated women, a few inspiring ladies, and of course, a few gentlemen, too!

Republished a Facebook post of the author with her permission.

Photos from Facebook and Visual by Different Truths