Home, Family, Marriage: The Collapse of the Triad Patriarchal Institutions

Home, marriage, and family – are the hottest topics of sociologists today, for all these institutions that belong to the patriarchal society are under erosion because empowered women find themselves at odds with systems which block their flight. The breakup of marriages and family tradition is so widespread that it sends alarm signals. Dr. Jernail reviews the failing systems and suggests a fair deal for the younger generation. An exclusive for Different Truths.  

It may seem too far fetched, but we are hurtling into a situation in which we are turning homeless and family is in tatters.  We need to confront these issues with boldness and honesty. 

“Ours is a patriarchal society. People always say woman empowerment, but the society does not know how to treat an empowered woman.  Parents don’t teach their sons on how to treat an empowered woman.” Justice Nagarathna is spot on when, in addition, the Bench cautioned: “a woman with financial independence and education should know how to deal with her family and the same should not lead to the break up of her marriage”. 

Marriage and home are the subjects of my story today. And to investigate the problems of independence, and space. More than a physical entity, home is an ideological construct, which has for centuries stayed in the consciousness of mankind. Home is the outward structure in which a family lives like a soul in a body. And, so long as patriarchy was in vogue, this concept of home worked well, with amazing results of progression, although, later in the 19^th and 20^th centuries, there were sustained objections to this set up. Voices were raised against patriarchy when women’s lib came into vogue, and since then, for home and family, it has been flinging down the slope. As the things stand today, both home and family are under great threat, and in most cases, broken apart, and in most cases, the outer crust of oneness remains, while there are cracks within. In sum, the idea of happiness that was expected from a family, a home, a wife, kids, and a father figure – has gone topsy-turvy with woman walking out of the kitchen and asserting her independence. Looking at the things dispassionately and without any bias for or against women, it might be seen that the age-old time-tested institution of family stands eroded. Rather, it has now become an institution which stands directly in the way of progress. And the result is live-in-relationships in which family bonds are not repeated. There are no ‘feras’ (circumambulations around the fire). Perhaps, the idea of loyalty too has taken wing. Now, it is an arrangement. 

Home, as I have mentioned earlier, was an economic arrangement, for a woman to stay at home, take care of the kitchen, bear and rear the kids, and bring calm and peace to her man. Ingrained in it was fidelity, too. And it worked well so long as women were kept away from the light of knowledge. As the women became educated, and got awareness of their rights as human beings, home, and family both started crumbling, and today, only a façade of it has been left, while essentially, all that home stood for, family stood for, has been sucked by the exigencies of the times. 

In view of the foregoing developments, the home has turned out to be an irrelevance in the social scheme of things. The home was relevant so long as a woman was to stay at home, fend for the family, and cook for her man. Now, when a woman has walked out on the home, family, and kitchen too, where is the necessity for a home? The home was a protection for a woman, who does not at all need it now. She is educated, independent, and does not relish a husband to lord over her. The relationship of the husband and the wife was previously considered to be one of a soul and God, and scriptures tell us to call the husband God (Pati Parmeshwar), and the woman was proud to be called ‘Sati Savitri’ (dedicated to her husband in loyalty). Do these things hold water now?

Marriage: A Doubtful Relationship

Men and women now make much ado about marriage although it is a relationship in which the partners do not have any faith left. Even if they marry, it is never for love. Love marriages do not work because marriage is a social contract, sanctified by fire, which has to be honoured. But the factual scene is entirely different. Nothing is sacrosanct when people demand dowry, throw the daughters-in-law out of their homes, and bride burning is not a very distant phenomenon. Moreover, every marriage is rocked by the waves of independence, self-hood, and business sense of the partners. It is a great joke to call marriage a sacred bond or to think that marriages are made in heaven. A marriage and heaven have no connection at all. A marriage is a business engagement, and it works so long as you abide by the rules.

The objective of writing this article is not to question the developments. They are taking place because times are changing, and these things are going on the way it happened in western countries. Industrialisation not only swallowed the village economy, but it also destroyed the age-old social institutions like the family. Home in western countries is under great strain, and families have nearly collapsed. The same situation is taking shape in India also, where an increasing number of women are saying goodbye to home and kitchen and even to family.  That is a natural development and if the family or home are under stress, and culture of confusion is replacing the peace and tranquility of the erstwhile home, it is time to understand what the times require and honestly supply new institutions that can replace the old ones, to suit our times, so that there are no dissensions, no fights, no divorces, and our young people spend their youth in creative processes rather than wasting time spying over their partners, fighting them, living in stress, and sometimes committing murders, which land them in jails. 

Finding a Replacement for Home 

Although at present it may look too advanced an idea, yet we cannot resist the movement of time and we are going fast forward towards a situation when people will disown family and home altogether. We want a solid model to replace the home. First, I think we should just bury the idea of home or family, and all that comes to us from behind, all ethos, all feelings, all fidelities, etc. Let us look at the union of two minds from a fresh angle and think of rationally making it a workable solution. 

Tradition is good, no doubt; it gives us a lot of feeling of belonging to a dignified past. I wonder when this past was in its present state, how glorious or dignified it was. We should not forget that things look charming from a distance. And everything was done in the name of marriage, all ceremonies, all rites, – belongs to an era in which home, marriage, the family were considered sacred.  In that era, women were at the receiving end. She has now emerged from the backwaters. And now, nothing of these sorts of things is found relevant. Home, family, kitchen, kids – need a edefinition, as they have lost their pre-eminence in front of a career and the idea of success.   

Here we are trying to make things easy for the upcoming generations whom we find flouting the established institutions of society. What couples are now doing?  They marry keeping in view the economic potential of the spouse. In most cases, these are organised and unwanted marriages. For three years, they go on fighting. Some seek divorce and start trying their luck elsewhere. While the majority of the youngsters try to play it safe: they compromise and continue with an undesired relationship. From this is born the malady called extra-marital relationships, which almost in hundred percent cases, end in jail. Is it all a healthy state of affairs? If this is happening at a vast scale, should the society elders not join their heads and find solutions? 

Here are a few suggestions to clean up the marital mess.  The judges, in their wisdom, have stressed the need to understand the needs of a working woman, and the independent woman has also been advised to ensure that her family and marriage are not disturbed. It has a clear meaning. These things are happening all around. An independent woman finds it difficult to deal with her family, and her marriage is on the rocks. The situation is ripe for an alternative arrangement to home, family, or even marriage. 

It is better to call them partners. It is better to have an agreement bond before they enter a partnership. No need for temples, feras, religious rites. It is a business affair, for which, senses should get the better of feelings. The partnership deal can be for a period of five years. (Reason: every marriage rocks after three years of cohabitation). During this period, there need to be certain safeguards also. The loyalty clause must go. They are two independent estates, coming together for the sake of physical necessity. Children henceforth should be born only by sperm donation and women should have the right to get the baby from the man they like. 

Whoever wants a child will take care of the child. Otherwise, they can just live on in this live-in. 

Ultimately, it is human joy that finally matters. If a partnership does not work, there should be a clause. One-month notice. No fights. No escapades. No crimes of passion. 

It will give them ample time to focus on their life work. Otherwise, all our youngsters are busy making friends with the opposite sex. Society does not allow mixing and they take to the illegal route, act illegitimate, and land in jails. Or they waste their precious youth fighting incongruent sensibilities at home. 

Life is a one-time affair. Youth is too precious to be wasted in fights and worries. If things do not work, where is the need to slog over it? 

So far as home is concerned, I think it should be given a decent burial. We should have ‘Convenience Homes’, where people come for joy, and move out without much hassle. Those who start loving and develop feelings may stay together for anything length of time, but those who want a change should have it for the asking.

The only thing is, as I have said earlier, not to involve religion in it. Just the law, the agreement, the bond, and abiding by the clauses of agreement. One month notice on either side to terminate the agreement, or to continue it. 

We should also remove the word ‘divorce’ from the marital vocabulary. Partners will either engage or disengage. That is all. 

I wonder how many people will go for such an idea. In flats, there is no need for kitchens. Nobody is a cook. Zomato and Swiggy you are welcome. 

I think we need to take hard decisions in this field. Home is now a thing of the past, and it needs to be replaced with a Convenience Home. It will give the relief the men and women of today need from binding relationships of marriage and family. 

We need a healthy response to this emerging situation. There is nothing alarming in it. It is a natural development.  When we had cycles, our lanes were narrow, and our doors too were small. Now, we have repaired our houses and widened our roads to make way for cars.   We are responding to the needs of the times. In life too, we need a change now. Home too is a construct that does not allow freedom of thought and action, and hence, it has fallen foul on men and women of today, who consider it an irrelevance and go in for live-in-relationships. 

The objective of this article is to give a decent name to live-ins and turn them into viable alternatives for a home, with its legal status as well. 

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