To Have or Not to Have!

Enakshi talks about the complexities a couple faces after marriage. An exclusive for Different Truths.

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you are drunk! The idea of a cloud cuckoo land that has been perpetuated in our minds by the romantic movies and mushy romance novels seldom lasts long. Eventually, once a man and a woman get entangled in the web of responsibilities and the pressures of a judgemental society, love evanesces! While most of the little girls grow up to become strong and independent damsels that wait for their prince who would sweep them off their feet, their nine-day wonder shatters like a house of cards as soon as they tie the knot and welcome nuances of ‘nuptial bliss’ with an open heart. 

Two years into the marriage, my audacious and bold friend, who was once quite clear about the idea of not having kids ever because of two reasons: one, she did not want kids; two, she had a severe slip disc problem, is now trying to save her marriage because her in-laws are suddenly desperate for a child. Inspite of marrying her friend who stood right by her side when the decisions like these were made by the couple, she now feels trapped in a house filled with strangers who do not even try to try to respect her choice. 

Three years into the marriage, another acquaintance of mine is succumbing to the pressures of motherhood because she had twins. As unexpected as it was for the couple, the father and the mother are trying to make the ends meet and the parents-in-law have, as expected, backed off as both the children are girls. The mother of the twins finds herself coping with the incessant taunts regarding how the financial liability on the couple is going to harm their future and trying not to trouble her own parents with her problems by being discreet. Her husband is unaware of the fact that the apprehension, tension, and anxiety are eating her up alive. 

These are just two cases but there are plenty more where a woman’s completeness is judged by her ability to bear children. The naysayers say that society demands a child from a couple. If the couple fails, society treats the couple as an outcast. Another known friend of mine, who is several years older than me, revealed that he has announced to his and his wife’s family that he is impotent and that the couple can never have children. Upon asking if it were true, he says that that was the only way the parents (both sides) would stop badgering the couple. The couple does not want children but discussing their thoughts with their parents seems like talking to a wall. 

The new-age couples are practical and impulsive too. They are more vocal and when they try to explain their perspective to their elders, the conflict of interest happens. While the youngsters believe in not putting all their eggs in one basket, the elders follow the principle of ‘We did it, you do it too’. The eventual outcome is a no-win situation where both the parties go on to a cold war that does not have any closure in sight. 

I fail to understand the need for such pressure, such expectations, and such situations where an unborn child governs the outcome of the discussion. Gone are the times when the life of the couples centered around the upbringing of a child. Now are the times when everyone is trying to find the purpose of his/ her life. If a man is not judged based on his ability to become a father, why should a woman be subjected to such a prejudiced benchmark? Whether to have children or not should be left to the couple. Just like how we all have been advocating that consent is particularly important when it comes to sex, why do we fail to understand that the ‘consent of the couple’ is equally necessary when it comes to bringing a new life into the world? 

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