Love and Loss: Coping with Grief and Moving Forward

Samina’s poem explores a complex relationship, expressing love for a distant and self-destructive person, reflecting on personal experiences, exclusively for Different Truths.

I want you to know that I am not praying for 
the skies to turn a darker shade of blue.
I never did; I never have.
At most, I pray for greens, yellows and oranges, 
And I have been particular about it.

I am not arrogant; I do not believe that I am arrogant,
and yet you might put it on me, 
And somehow, I am not offended.

I am not offended by you anymore.
Something’s changed; I don’t know 
What it is at this point, but something’s changed.
It maybe your fault; it may be mine,
but we aren’t playing the same ball anymore.

Why do you call yourself an infidel? 
When do you happen to be the Queen of self-sabotage?
You run around with your faux superiority complex 
Only to hide how much you hate yourself.

You are dismissive of me because 
You are aware that I love you truly,
but you haven’t known real love in your whole life,
and ensuing you don’t know what to do with me.

You love me that much, I know.
You love how I love you without conditions and kindness,
But you are a cruel person and 
You shall not give either of us what we want.

And I want to ask you that all of this is for what?
A show is worth so much?
I left you and our home without throwing any shade 
And I guess that is some success on
My part, but is it?
Is it?
What do you think?

...You won’t say anything. You never say anything. 
I promised myself that when I find
Love I will make sure they aren’t a copy of my father 
but they always turn out to be.

I guess the fault is mine. I put too much pressure on you, 
O me, but I can’t sit silent without answers.
I wasn’t made to sit silently.
I am my mother’s daughter, even though I am trying not to be.

I am an artist. I see the purple-pink skies 
And I want to tell everyone about it.
I see the yellow and run toward it, not away,
and yet somehow, I always go after people who would run,
Run away from me.

I wish I could figure out what it is 
About me that drives them away...
What it was that drove you away...
I will be here when you come back, 
And I would still love you, maybe.
But things will change. Things always do.

Everything except our faces changes, 
but sometimes they do too.

I want to be able to recognise you 
When I see you again, 
However long that may take and
I want you to be able to recognise me too.
I hope you do.
They say it takes a hell lot of strength to 
Know what’s right and I have tried to always
Choose what’s right. You know I am a liar but 
I love you and you know that but I pray
That you also derive the strength to 
Choose what is right. 
I don’t need that to be me but 
I want you to love me.
I hope I am allowed to ask that much.