The turmoil, trail and tribulation of life of life rips us apart, at times. At those moments, we long for companionship. It was no different in the case of Anindita. A wish to break free from her own shadows and chains. Yes, living with others and building a community is vital but why can we not find solace within ourselves when we go through some crisis? We think someone else might give us an ear and make us feel better. She believed in this too. And why not. She is a human and she deserves love and attention. She wanted to walk the paths shown to her by her loved ones, living with others in harmony. But what stopped her from crossing the line. Here’s a candid piece about an inward journey by the columnist, in the weekly column, exclusively for Different Truths.

A silhouette fading in walls
of streets
she walks towards her destiny
but it wasn’t night yet, the
day denied to leave…

Warm wet eyes looked outside the metro this morning, I was going through a transitional moment. This is not new since there are moments when I pass through these short intervals in life. But today was not like before.

Somehow a feeling lingered in my core that I have to discipline myself more. Why there would be a wish to keep my head on a shoulder and cry till my heart fulfils its emotional needs?

I am not a pessimist or a loner, the goodness of life surrounds me with moments like this. But something inside me burned today. A wish to break free from my own shadows and chains. Yes, living with others and building a community is vital but why can we not find solace within ourselves when we go through some crisis?

We think someone else might give us an ear and make us feel better. I believe in this too. And why not. I am a human and I deserve love and attention. I want to walk the paths shown to me by my loved ones, living with others in harmony. But while the metro was churning hot this morning, my heart was spinning in that heat. Since my soulmate, Amma, went to her own home I have become more carefree but thoughtful and a sudden desire to find roots again has evolved in me.

I have not looked for anyone before and now my eyes look for a companion, a confidante, someone who would listen to me and someone to whom I will listen. I did not understand this until I met a man, who was on a similar journey like mine, but perhaps a little more sorted.  What bothered me more was that I wanted to talk to him? Even though earlier in situations like this I have never crossed boundaries but this time it was a natural story. And then it happened. My thought-clouds accumulated and before it could rain in a new pattern the window in that day’s metro flashed a deja vu and I reflected on the idea, why am I looking at one side of the mirror.

We have to think that the people we try to hold on at moments might not be able to walk with us long. There can be layers of reasons and we have to either figure them out or just let go. But what will remain with us is our own world. I could have cried there in that crowd of commuters but I let my tears turn into a rainbow and felt million minute inner jolts. And when the train stopped at my station, I smiled at the thought that now begins another journey of holding myself within me and in case I wish to be with someone, it would be for being with that person and not because I needed a support.

©Anindita Bose

Photos from the internet.

#Crisis #Love  #SolitaryRambling #Attention #Companionship #Human #Pain #NeedAndWants #DifferentTruths

Anindita Bose

Anindita Bose was born in Calcutta. She has three widely acclaimed poetry books and one short story collection. An independent scriptwriter, subtitles-writer, and translator of several Bengali books and poems, she is an academician and is the co-founder of Rhythm-Divine-Poets, editor of EKL-Review, and program manager of Chair Poetry Evenings, Kolkata’s International Poetry Festival. She mentors people in Study Abroad Programs. She was invited and felicitated by Bangla Akademi at Kobita Utsav, in 2023.