Dr Amrinder opines that marriage, despite flaws, offers stability and protection, outlasting live-in relationships that often leave women vulnerable without legal or social support, exclusively for Different Truths.
‘Do you believe in the institution of marriage?’ someone asked me out of the blue.
‘Despite its many flaws, it is the best option we still have, especially to raise children; no wonder it has survived centuries.’ I replied.
‘Going by the increasing number of live-in relationships, it is disintegrating now.’
‘I think girls in live-in relationships are being shortchanged.’
‘How so?’
‘But they tolerate the negatives of a marriage without the social and legal protection it provides.’
‘But it is easier to get out of a bad relationship than out of a bad marriage.’
‘If it were that easy, why do women continue living with an abusive partner? As for the ‘no strings attached’ clause, the female usually becomes emotionally attached and clingy. This irks her partner, sometimes to such a degree that she ends up being brutally murdered. I am sure you remember the newspaper report of the girl who was murdered and refrigerated by her live-in partner on the eve of his marriage to an ‘arranged girl’, or the one who was dismembered? If her man does not kill her, he may dominate to such a degree that he dictates what she must wear, how she has to behave. Wary of losing her, he could become so possessive that she could not even talk with another male. Caged in an ‘open’ relationship, she sees no way out, for she has no support system to back her. Finally, illegitimate pregnancies, abandonment, and abortions can be very traumatic.
‘Why do you think that the institution of marriage has survived for so long?’
‘At least in India, most marriages are arranged even now, so expectations are not high. It is all about compromise and adjustments, especially by the female, though, with time, one may grow to love their partners. Most important of all is the legitimacy of children and raising them in a family unit.’
‘But more and more couples marry for love these days.’
‘Agreed. Expectations are high, and either partner may not live up to them. A dashing lover may turn out to be an irresponsible husband, while the pretty girlfriend, used to being much made of, resents the drudgery of housework. Such couples either sort out their differences and reconcile or end up in divorce courts.’
‘What about the ‘faults’ in the institution of marriage you mentioned?’
‘For one, there could be incompatibility. With time, partners learn to do their own thing. She goes to Malls, kitty parties or Satsang while he drinks with his cronies or plays golf, thus limiting their personal interaction to the minimum. If the incompatibility is sexual or if boredom has crept in, an extramarital affair by either partner may spice up matters, but repercussions could be nasty.
‘What else?’
‘Even if incompatibility is not an issue, little things can lead to big quarrels; for instance, a tidy partner cannot tolerate a wet towel on the bed. Irritation leads to verbal jousts that eventually peter down to indifference. This is the state most couples live in, stick together out of habit, for social/financial reasons, but chiefly, ‘for the sake of the children’. Habit, I have been told, is stronger than love, and that is what keeps most couples together.’
All said and done, a marriage has law and society on its side, while people should enter a live-in relationship at their own peril.
Picture design by Anumita Roy
Dr Amrinder Kaur Bajaj is a senior gynaecologist, an award-winning author, columnist, and poetess. She also writes editorials for newspapers like The Times of India, Tribune and India Express. At present, she is attached to FMRI (Fortis Memorial Research Institute) Gurgaon. She also teaches Minimally Access Surgery to national and international postgraduate doctors at The Medicity Gurgaon.
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Very well said… It is not difficult for anyone to know that though the question was asked ‘out of the blue’ but the ‘Someone’ who asked was a learned interviewer who asked questions at the function to release her quite popular book ‘Letting Go’. Amrinder responds to questions as she writes; honest and candid.