Satjit reviews Dr Amrinder Bajaj’s “Letting Go” exclusively for Different Truths. This autobiographical fiction reveals a middle-aged Indian couple’s life changed by cancer, spotlighting the caregiver’s compassionate, solitary path.

I was amazed at the author’s candour when I first read the book. Though a work of fiction, the diary entries point to the fact that it is heavily based on autobiographical events. With brutal honesty, she depicts the lives of a middle-aged Indian couple (both doctors) who have got used to living with each other despite their incompatibility. Stage 3-4 bladder cancer changes the precarious equilibrium of their existence. The neglected wife lets go of her grievances to become a compassionate caregiver, though she knows quite well that, had the shoe been on the other foot, he would not have done the same for her. The story is from the point of view of a caregiver who is often the person most overlooked in a cancer narrative. The afflicted takes centre stage while the one drained by incessant, futile nursing remains in the shadows. Some suffer from burnout, but not this feisty lady. She pulls herself up whenever she feels that she is heading for a breakdown, for she cannot afford that luxury. With her two sons absent, one living in another city and the other in another country, he has only her.

Over a period, she develops a reluctant admiration for this man who, despite the ravages of this dreadful disease, despite a life consigned to diapers, and despite the horrific side effects of chemotherapy, goes about his daily routine despite the immense effort it requires. Others, in his place, would be lying, whining in bed or lamenting their lot. Helplessly, she watched his body being reduced to a skeleton clothed in loose skin, unable to do a thing about it. Overwhelmed with compassion, if one may dare say even affection for her companion of over four decades, she dreads the day when he would be lost to her. It is said that habits are stronger than love, and, good or bad, he had become a forty-year-old habit that would be hard to overcome.

After he passed on, she was surprised to learn that people mocked her grief over a husband she had always complained about. They would never understand, and, as she wrote, ‘she owed them no explanation’, but, from then onwards, took care to grieve in private. After the ‘uthala’ that took place after a mere four days in this jet-paced world of today, family and friends departed to live lives of their own, leaving her alone to fend for herself in a gnawing void. For years, she and her husband had ploughed the field of life like a pair of oxen. Now that one had fallen, the other had but two options – either to buckle under or move on. Painstakingly, she picked up the pieces of her shattered life and set out on a solitary journey on her own, with courage, conviction, and honesty of thought: “If I could shoulder the drudgery single-handedly, why not the joys of life? … Life goes on, and you choose how you live it – with a cascade of laments against those who forsook you, the departed, or by enjoying your blessings. I choose the latter.”

When asked in an interview, ‘Why the title ‘Letting Go’?’ she replied:

·       When her husband’s cancer digs its claws into his flesh and their marriage, she sheds her hurts and humiliations, regrets and resentment like autumn leaves to let the fresh green leaves of tender loving care take their place. Overnight, a determined doctor and a devoted nurse take the place of a neglected companion and an injured wife.

·       When the cancer resurfaces and the 2^nd generation chemotherapy causes intense suffering without arresting the progress of the disease, she decides to stop the drugs and let her husband go in peace.

·       When he passes on, she lets go of a life she had known for over forty years and sets forth on a solitary journey into uncharted territory.

·       When friends and family forsake her at a time when she needs them most, she lets go of expectations and finally finds peace.

Cover photo sourced by the reviewer

Satjit Singh

Satjit Singh is a retired banker, an avid reader and a freelance writer. His philosophical take on life is reflected in his writings published as middles in newspapers. He finds an amusing story in the mundane and has a rich repertoire of anecdotes from his travels, days as a teacher and a banker. He lives in Gurgaon and keeps his interest in reading and writing alive along with his business interests.