Hemashri looks inward and wonders whether colleagues could be friends in the weekly column, exclusively for Different Truths.

Somewhere I read that colleagues are friends ‘imposed’ on us! Just wondering why we impose friendship on someone. Life offers choice in very few areas. So why not at least wear clothes of our choice and be friends only with those we long to spend time with?

A few years ago, I was working in a gigantic government department, where I was a mere cog in the wheel – an insignificant small fry in the bureaucratic community. A new member joined, and I knew him from my previous posting. An avid writer, he was a friend of a senior lady colleague. They used to share lunch with good old friends, too. The lady seemed somewhat temperamental, as on some days she would be kind and then all of a sudden, a little cold and withdrawn. Maybe she had some problems. She had a skin ailment, which was manifesting gradually. It made me sympathetic.

One fine day, as I entered a chamber, I found her colleague-friend and two others sipping tea and discussing her. My senior colleague’s friend was talking uncharitably about her. He was narrating her colourful past. So the man who shared lunch with the lady was actually spreading venom about her. Maybe she had a past. But what pained me was the breach of trust. It also made me realise that I was wrong to presume that only women gossip. I felt men are perhaps better gossips. One fine day, in an opportune moment, I ended up telling that gentleman, “Sir, you taught me something unique that men are better gossipers.” Not that I was a great friend of this lady colleague, but what actually pained me was this man’s betrayal. No wonder he started avoiding me, and I had no issue with that.

In an earlier posting, he created a similar situation for me. Due to a strong rivalry with another colleague, he used to spread canards about him. He was my family member. The things he said would come back to me repeatedly. I became very conscious of this species called “colleague”. Over and over again, similar experiences kept repeating, making me wonder why colleagues cannot be friends.

I was posted to a faraway, remote place in Assam, where both our children were born. After delivering my second baby, I received a notice from my office informing me that my maternity leave request had been rejected because I had not specified the number of pregnancies. A colleague of mine handled the file!

I used to go to a colleague’s spacious chamber. She was the one closest to me among my colleagues. She is like a radio without a receiver. She would speak on and on 80 per cent of the time and had no time to listen to us. So many times I had to repeat the same words to say something. Often, I had to hear the same old stories over and over again because they were about someone very important to her. She is a self-acclaimed ‘management master’, which indeed she was. She could flip so fast that it used to amaze me. Also, it scared me a lot. People who talk so much about others will surely talk about everyone. Often, in their quest to please everyone, people lose their genuineness or reliability. Gradually, I realised she might give long discourses over the most mundane things, but she would never utter a single word of genuine appreciation.

This is a trait which signifies insecurity and jealousy. Though instinctively aware of her trait, I was loyal to her. I might not like one or two things about her, but I have a hundred other reasons to be grateful to her. We were so different from each other; that was our strength. Together, we made a formidable team.

I firmly believe what Mother Teresa had said: “If we judge people, we get no time to love them.”

I wondered if I had become increasingly intolerant of small talk. The ‘who wears what kind of dress’ conversation bores me to death these days. I keep going to this colleague’s chamber to be in touch with the world I live in. My pretext remains the same to have a cup of tea in her chamber. Could this tea-producing Assam ban the consumption of tea within the office campus or, say, during office hours? Maybe our productivity will soar! Who can dare to ban tea, the refreshing drink? So we keep refreshing ourselves over and over again, or else we might get depressed! Maybe like the licences for guns, vehicles, etc. Even friendship has a term of validity. Unless revalidated with mutual respect and genuine love, it ultimately dies, just like dried leaves falling to the ground and ending up in the garbage bin! So many times I have experienced this. Sometimes, even total strangers become friends, whereas the faces of some dear friends get blurred as they sink into oblivion! Some strangers become friends, whereas some friends become strangers – a unique metamorphosis.

I met a senior colleague in the virtual world when I was struggling with a crisis. He came across as a remarkably sensible person through his writing, and it was I who started a conversation. After some time, I found he had deleted me from the contact list in the digital world. He was very cordial and helpful whenever I approached him. He now sends me inspiring messages on WhatsApp, and I reply with the same warmth.

Often, I felt like asking why he deleted me from the friend list. But I could not muster enough courage to do so. I was curious why someone would block me on social media and start a discreet conversation. Should I block him from this private channel to give a befitting reply? I am to decide on that!

Incidentally, this senior colleague reminded me of what Maya Angelou had said (I saw it in a beautiful video clip) on the occasion of one of her friends’ birthdays, Mr Andrew. Maya said that sometimes we need men as friends or brothers, without any romantic inclination. A man who could say, “Hey girl, you are doing well; keep it up! Or say, ‘Hey girl, that is the most ridiculous thing on Earth! ‘Stop it.” I had identified this senior colleague among the many I had interacted with in a collective forum. He had encouraged me to lead, and I found him witty. Wisdom and wit are an irresistible combination; not to befriend a person is a mistake. Often, in my lonely struggles, I wished for a few mentors or anchors who could enlighten me, for I have so much to learn!

Is it rivalry associated with competition or an individual’s insecurity resulting in jealousy that prevents friendship from blossoming in the workplace? Is an unhealthy work atmosphere the real culprit? Is it the sense of competition inculcated early in life in our schools and colleges that stays on in our psyche? Why does everything in life have to be a zero-sum game and not a win-win one?

After deleting some very dear, toxic people from the inner circle, my world has shrunk. Just a few dear friends are fine for me rather than a sea of acquaintances. Life is too short to waste on meaningless socialising!

A few days back, my son approached me to help him prepare a speech for his school debate. The topic was “Displaying marks on the school bulletin board will motivate students to perform better.” He wanted to speak against the motion, not because he was opposed to the idea, but because someone had to speak against it. I told him to oppose the motion. We all go to school to learn things for a better life, not only for marks. We all want a good life. A good life for all, not only for a few toppers. We want a good friendship. Please do not spread acrimonious rivalry by making marks the only yardstick of our performance or our worth. Someone might love poetry but hate maths, whereas others might be good at sports and not so good at academics. We are all unique. Please teach us self-appreciation without comparison or competition. Please guide us to value friendship so we can enjoy this beautiful world. Maybe I was thinking aloud!

In the evening, he told me, “Ma, I got the third prize because you said so many things that I could not say much, and I was a bit nervous also.” I only asked him, “Did you enjoy it? If you did, you won, dear! This was your first debate!”

Life is not only about marks, grading, and success, my sweet little boy! Love and laughter for life can be a tragedy only in the short run, but they are always a comedy in the long run! Love, laugh and be joyful!

I wish colleagues could be friends, or should I say I wish my friends could be colleagues?

©Hemashri Hazarika

Photos from the Internet

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Hemashri Hazarika

Hemashri Hazarika is an Officer of the Assam Civil Service since 1997. Her research on Assam Civil Service brought reforms in 2015. A first-class Postgraduate in Economics from Gauhati University, she was awarded JRF/NET by UGC in 1997. Her experience as a bureaucrat has sensitised her to human sufferings. A solutionist by passion, she takes an active interest in issues related to Governance, Development, Women, Children, etc. Reading, Writing, Speaking and Painting are her hobbies.